The Happening is one of the worst fake horror films a human can have the misfortune to sit through, despite consuming an unreasonable amount of vodka.

This film is the culmination of one man’s self-congratulatory pleasure session. It’s almost difficult to see anything over M. Night “Next Spielberg” Shymalan’s giant head. He clearly read an article on vanishing bees and squeezed this script out, which exhibits his pride in the plethora of “scientific explanations” undoubtedly amassed from several late night Google searches.

The Act of Failure

There is not one sincerely thought-provoking element to this silly mess. It’s embarrassing to watch Mark Wahlberg slog through this film with a perpetual furrow-browed expression that denotes either concern or a desperate need to relieve himself. Zoe Deschanel is constantly zoning out mid-scene, as if she made it through the shoot on Valium and dreams.

The Perfect Viewing Experience

Films like The Happening are fodder for right-wingers, and psychological blows for people with intact brains trying to improve the environment. From the first moment it’s revealed that something is driving people to kill themselves (miraculously, it’s not the film itself) it is clear that there’s only one way for a viewer to get through this trash intact.

Those of legal age should immediately engage in an easy to follow drinking game. The following five rules are an easy foundation for any home game. It should be noted that just two of these rules is enough to destroy a human, as they occur time and again to a staggering degree.

The Happening Drinking Game Rules: Take a shot every time…

1. Someone says “happening” in any context.

2. There are ominous shots of trees lasting for more than 5 seconds.

3. There are shots of Mark Wahlberg scowling in deep thought, no dialogue.

4. Someone gives an important “scientific explanation.”

5. Someone asks what’s going on with a horrified expression.

Every time someone walks backwards could be a simple substitute. Every time encroaching feelings of boredom overwhelm the viewer and lead them to seriously consider impaling their neck with a knitting needle is another good one.

Red Flag Ad Campaign

The campaign for The Happening made it clear that Shymalan expected the horror of the story to carry the film. What other film has been advertised as “So and so’s first R rated film!”? Appropriately, the ‘R’ in each ad was highlighted in red, like flags of doom signifying an oncoming pirate raid of the senses.

Aftermath

The Sixth Sense was over-praised by critics, and as a result aided in the molding of the monstrosity that would eventually become The Happening. If Shymalan seeks to bounce back commercially and as a promising creative force, he needs to stop, take a deep breath, and perhaps find a writing partner.

In the meantime, the thousands of manufactured The Happening DVDs should not go to waste.